guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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