my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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