he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
