Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
