You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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