That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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