Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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