He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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