I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
