There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
