Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Randomize
