Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
