Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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