sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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