My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
