Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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