After last night, I could never be a politician.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
