He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
