i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
