I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
