You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
