Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
