My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Randomize
