I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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