Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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