Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
