you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
