I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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