she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
