Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
