Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
