He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
