I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
