I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Im part way to drunk.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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