Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
