Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
