I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
