U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
