Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
