I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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