SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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