is wine microwaveable?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
