i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
