Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I could make wine with my vomit
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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