if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
