she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
