My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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