why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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