I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
