Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
